Focus. . . Focus. . . Focus. . .

I've had some trials and tribulations in my life.  Lately, I've been feeling down and so have been dwelling on those.  I don't know why I've been feeling down, I can't quite explain it.  I've just been worn out and getting bogged down.  But because of such I'm focusing on the bad things going on.  They might not be as bad as some, and they may be worse than others.  That's not what's important.  That I've had these experiences and they've helped temper me into I am today is important, but that's also not the point of this entry.  The point of this entry is: "I have done some awesome things so far."  Also that I can only grow and move upward from this point.  So that's what I need to focus on: the things I've done, the abilities I have, and the opportunities I've taken advantage of.

The rest of this probably won't be organized.  Just a stream of events and gifts in my life that I'm thankful for that I can come back to and reflect on and maybe improve my mood.  I'm a musician and music has brought me a lot of peace in my life and lots of opportunities.  I've toured all of the States as well as Canada and it took me to Japan the first time.  I've been part of standing ovations from audiences of ten thousand.  Performed over 500 times in several states.  Play several instruments.  Conducted a pep-band for dozens of collegiate basketball and volleyball games.  When I was younger I auditioned into various state-wide groups and spent hours sitting in practice rooms escaping with composers who can write far better than I can ever understand.  I've performed opera, symphonic works, major choral works, and even to funk tunes.  I've performed with at least three instruments and with voice.  I have an appreciation and an understanding of an Art form that graciously has been part of my life for at least twelve years, not counting church choir as a child.  I'm very lucky to have music.

Music took me to Canada and Japan.  I have also spent a summer in New Market, England.  Different cultures have also been a passion.  I've had the chance to travel.  I've spent plenty of time in Tokyo.  An amazing city.  I've wandered by myself, aimlessly, thru several parts of the city striking up conversations and finding hidden and ancient temples.  Nooks and hole in the wall ramen shops and sushi restaurants.  In England I lived in the horse race capital of the world.  Parties in gardens.  Tea in the House of Commons.  A play in the Shakespeare Globe.  Viewed Monet's in the Tate Modern.  Toured castles. Learned how to play rugby.  Watched football (soccer) in a real British pub.  Canada was well. . . beautiful.  The mountains and air were so clear they looked fake.  I meet people and overhear conversations that they have never left California.  I just do not understand that.  I love California.  We have all but one climate zone.  There's a drastic difference of scenery and culture that one can experience without even having to cross state lines.  On the other hand where in California can one look at World War II remnants or shrines that are more than four times older than our country; a shrine that old, buried in the middle of skyscrapers built in the last ten years.  Sweet potato carts.  A dress that could have been out of C. S. Lewis' childhood.  The Millennium Bridge.  Old men photographing birds in all seasons.  Teens dressed in homemade outfits sitting on a bridge in good weather.  I've been able to see all these things.  There is plenty more I want to see but so far I've seen so much.  So much that has made me smile in wonder. 

I can converse in, counting English, four languages.  This isn't counting being able to greet and thank the Korean shop owner, nor yelling a Swahili war cry while taking a shot to a man from Congo, nor a number of other random phrases that pop up from time to time.  I mean asking questions, responding, holding simple conversations, being able to help a stranger.  I can do that.  I have the ability to converse with people from more than four cultures.  People aren't all blessed with the command of languages.  I love them.  They're a gift.  They're something I can dive into and play with and use as a tool.  I can sign across the room and have a silent, private conversation interrupted by laughter.  Another three are in my immediate sights.  Followed by whole only knows.  Tolkien was a master of so many languages.  That passion is one I share and a joy that am truly thankful for.

My family is truly unique.  Two West Point graduates who went Ranger.  My grandfather was a West Point graduate.  He also had a petroleum management degree and helped build the Alaskan and Saudi Arabian pipe lines.  He and my grandmother have lived in nearly thirty countries across almost all the continents.  Paramedic cousin.  Hot, firefighter cousin.  Uncle who owns a Caribbean island.  Aunt working directly with the leading wellness doctor in the country.  Who also I guess lived in Alaska fire rockets into the Aurora Borealis to study its effects.  Law enforcement agent dad.  A sister who sacrificed so much for everyone else.  A family that has a legacy already and drives me to constantly grow and improve. 

I've had the opportunity to go to college.  I've adopted a dog.  I've met the leading drag queens of Southern California.  I'm friends with professional singers, actors, dancers.  I've eaten with nationally awarded dancers.  Personal trainers of tv stars.  These people I can text or call if I need to.  People who if I needed a favor I could probably call in a favor if it was drastic.  I sustain a comfortable lifestyle on my own and keep my dog active and fed.  I've never needed braces.  I don't need glasses.  I have the ability to keep in shape and stay that way.

I feel like I'm boasting about myself.  And some people think I'm doing just that and enjoying it.  Those who truly know me know that I actually have a really poor self esteem.  I'm writing this to focus on the things in my life that are very positive.  Things that remind me that there isn't a reason to be negative or feel down.  To get in slumps.  There is no reason for that.  I have the ability to get out of any situation.  To grow and to problem solve thru trials.  To get myself into and out of trouble.  Charm. Charisma. Bull-shitery.  Advanced Faggotry.  These are a start to grow on.  I need to grow, improve, and top all of these experiences.  I think that all makes sense.  I don't know.  I need more sleep I think.

The Drama Starts Here

I feel it happens in every group.  Families.  Work places.  And with tight groups of friends.  I’ve definitely had enough trouble with the first two groups but it’s this last one that bothers me the most.  As a rule I try to live my life with the least amount of drama as I can.  Granted I like causing trouble and on a regular basis “solemnly swear that I am up to no good” but these are events are isolated to specific nights or places.  This drama crap of “he said” and “she said” puts me on an aggressive edge like nothing else can.  I have to deal with some crap on the regular that what I don’t want from the family I chose is to deal with more gossip.

It’s followed me for some time now.  It must go hand in hand with that fact that I think I release some pheromone that makes people want to take care of me.  Some big, doe-eyed, helpless feeling I release.  I don’t know how people get that urge and yet somehow think that I’m some kind of whore. . . anyway.  Even back in college I felt people needed to meddle in my affairs for my own good.  Would try to help by talking to other people on my behalf, about things I didn’t care about, didn’t know about, or could very well take care of myself.  Please, if I want someone to know how I feel about them, I’ll tell them.  I really don’t need other people to take others aside and talk to them for me.  I have quite the command over this language and am familiar with enough of others that I can quite competently take care of that myself.  So ya, people feel the need to gossip about me, to me, and meddle in my personal affairs.  Even if its really just my business, and more importantly they probably don’t know how I really feel about the person/situation.  Trust me not many if any rarely do.

With that said, I am a far too trusting person.  So, if someone comes to me with a “s/he said” I most likely will believe them and will go to that person trying to stop the situation or clear things up.  I hold grudges for sure, but I also like to solve problems.  But if its not true, well that causes trouble too.  That’s really why I hate busy bodies and people who feel they need to meddle in my affairs.  Trust me I probably don’t need your help and unless I have asked you to talk to someone don’t want it. 

I’ve rolled my eyes too much today and I haven’t even gotten to rehearsal.  Kyrie eleison.

But I don't wanna

I don’t know what to do. Literally and figuratively.  The weight of some upcoming responsibilities is a lot to deal with and though I should work on them and take care of what I can I don’t know how to approach them nor where to start.  So I sit here.  Wondering.  Wondering and very restless.  I wonder what I used to do on the internet that occupied so much of my time in college, and no it wasn’t “that”.  These impending responsibilities were brought up in a conversation with close friend and he didn’t realize the full extent of what’s going on.  Not many really do.  I feel like I’m going on and I don’t have a safety net.  Yet, I go on unerringly so much so that nobody realizes the tumultuous condition my mind is in. 

I’m actually getting a lot of flack from the director of the show I’m currently doing.  She’s trying to strip away my persona or façade so my character can show emotions.  Granted I think this is the complete opposite of my character would do, but it’s her show so whatever.  Talk about breaking out of comfort zones though.  I mean this woman is determined.  I found it funny that my character has trouble saying "I love you". I had a private little smirk about that.  

So cautious and weary about what to do and which direction I go, I sit here.  My psychologist (not really but a friends and a crush who is one) would be rather disappointed in me.  He’d give me some advice about just getting up and doing it or go exercise or something.  Speaking of, I’ve been on a no sugar/carbs diet for the last week and a half.  Though it works, I’m tired of that crap.  I just want a burrito or some pizza.  And you order less and usually have to pay for more.  Explain that one to me please.

I’ve gotten quite bored trolling FB so we’ll see what I bring myself to do.  I did download some music of one of my favorite . . . dj’s earlier.  He remixes music and I think he’s brilliant.  I’m pretty my plan will involve “acquiring” some foreign language software and hiding in a linguistic paradise of French, Russian and revisiting an old friend of Japanese.  Yes, that plan sounds best. 

I’ll leave with this treat.  One of my favorite songs of that aforementioned artist: 

 post script: Replaced my toothbrush.  a favorite feeling for sure is using a new toothbrush.

It's always a lot bit worse in the Irish. . .

My grandmother is an incredible woman. If you know me in real life than I'm sure you've heard a few stories even. She definitely has created legacy and a wealth of stories for herself that is sometimes hard to believe.

Now, these are just some recollections that I remember and they are far from all that should be said of her.  That'd probably be a whole other blog.  Besides this blog is about me.

My grandmother is first off fresh of the boat from Scotland, in fact she did a lot of her schooling there and I guess her mother we take here back and forth quite a bit.  That isn't too crazy in and of itself but it's part of a funny story after she met my grandfather and in several letters was trying to explain him to her parents.  See my grandfather's name was Benjamin and so her parents thought he was Jewish since only Jewish people named their children Benjamin. So my grandmother explained that he wasn't Jewish and that he was from Oklahoma. Well, her parents took out a map and saw that that was Indian territory so they thought he was an Indian. Well, that was corrected and my grandmother informed them that he was Irish. Well! Her mother replied (and this part of the story was salways in a thick Scottish accent so you'll just have to go with me) "there's good and bad in envy one, but it's always a lot bit worse in the Irish!"

That story just starts it all. She would tell me about how they rode elephant back thru the jungle with a veterinarian to perform surgery on another elephant and how halfway thru the trip they took off their shoes as to not scare away the wild tigers they'd baited. Also that to get thru the elephants skin for the surgery how they had to use saws.  "It was such a great experience you'd really have to do it if you have the opportunity."

She was also one of the first women into Cambodia after the genocide anyhow they were made to take tours of schools and hospitals turned into torture chambers.  That was also after her time in the Red Cross where she worked with Bob (Bob Hope) as an emcee. That's where she actually met my grandfather. That story was usually coupled with some jitterbug choreography and a rendition of "Let Me Entertain You".  In the den was always a map with tacks of all the places where her and my grandfather lived in their fifty odd moves.  All continents covered by the way except Antarctica which doesn't have too many people to minister to. One of those places being Saudia Arabia. That's where they would have to avoid people of fridays else they'd be invited to the public executions.

Again, these are just the stories I remember off the top of my head.  My grandmother is an incredible person.  Full of strength, conviction, ideals, so many positive characteristics.  And just another person in my ridiculous family.  If I achieve or experience a fraction of what she has in her life I will consider myself lucky and satisfied. I'm grateful to have such a person to model myself after.

The next part is the hard part.  My grandma's health has started to decline.  After having this strong person for the last quarter of a century of my life to look up to its hard to see her to made human. To be made mortal.  She's a hero of mine.  My whole perspective has been made extremely finite. I'm not sure what point I'm trying to make.  That this incredible woman's experiences may only be recoded in this blog? That besides her adventures she invested in four sons, fourteen grandchildren and I think at this point three great grandchildren (a cousin moved to Texas ,not my fault).  If that's what we're counting my legacy tally is: one dog. Her and some highly loved friends. Reflecting on my grandmother makes me dwell or mortality... Ugh.

Go back and read a funny post.

Let Me Entertain You

Some nights.

Turns out there is a term for my condition.  I have Philophobia.  It is the fear of falling in love or being loved.  I’m not sure I have the actual phobia, but as people in my life can contest, it’s pretty close if not full fledged.  I can’t even sing the word love correctly I guess as the jerk musical director told me about a million times.  Which makes it unfortunate that I’m in a show called Triumph of Love.  Exactly. 

I also met with an astrological therapist.  Didn’t realize there were such things but there are and one happens to be good friends with my asshole uncle; who arranged the meeting for figure out “what’s wrong with me”.  Thanks Unc.  Yeah, my Christian family, my uncle is good friends with an astrological therapist and got chart readings on my cousins as soon as they were born.  Right. . . Anyway, the important thing is that this guy told me that in order to move on to my next life the lesson I need to learn is to separate myself from the “I” and move on to the “We”.  So I guess I’ll be repeating this life until I’m able to commit to a relationship and join fully with a partner. Great.  Well, at least I got a second opinion and know that I’m not just crazy.  I feel it legitimizes my commitment issues.  If you don’t, I don’t care.

 I had a dream the other day with two of my last ex’s in it.  Talk about waking up with weird feelings.  I’m not sure entirely how I feel about it.  Definitely woke up with a queasy feeling in my gut.  Gut. . . don’t like that word.  But I would really like to know what my psyche is trying to tell me.  I still have weird anxiety over the other ex and weird jealous protective feelings over the last one.  Which wants me to commit again and my brain turns into some tornado of conflictions. 

I hope the next life lesson I have to learn is easier.  If I ever make it.

Other news: I’ve decided to go back to school for foreign language.  Maybe join the military as a translator or something.  I don’t know.  Just languages.  Russian.  Chinese.  Norwegian. 

“Who the fuck wants to die alone?”

Some nights.

Story from work this week. Ya....

So this was my night on Thursday. Thursday happens to be the busiest night of the week for the Bar. I'm sure I've also posted about the demographics of our patrons as well.  With that said the majority of people in the bar usually happen to be heterosexual. That night was no exception.  Well, as I'm working I just happened to see a familiar face.  He comes in from time to time.  Well, he happens to be a gay for pay star.  Now that means in case any reader(s) out there is unfamiliar that this man, this straight man, gets paid to have "relations" with other men on film.  He's actually pretty well known.  I had to find a video after the first time he came in, just so I could enjoy his... Work.

Like I said, he's come in time to time in the years I worked there (I know, phrasing). After a while he's started to recognize and we cordially chat.  Well, this time it took a dofferent term.  Now careful reader(s) because I'm going to use exactly quotes.

"You've been around here a while, and are a cool guy. Want to get real fucked up and do some fucked up shit?"

Yeah, it gets better.  Other events of the night includeme learning what "party-favors" are and him pulling out his "business" and "helicoptering" it.  Let's see...what else... Heh, thats it for now.  Guess he's started bringing his "work" home.

In case you're wondering, no I did not go home with him. But we text ;)
In other news: I have 34 visits to the Disneyland parks in the last 6 months. Enjoy is picture of Sully and I.

Ugh

I just wrote an incredible post about my grandmother and only half of it saved. Sorry, you would have enjoyed that one.