Sorry, my nerd is showing. . .

I read a lot of fantasy books.  I feel with that confession this should be at a meeting.  Anyway, I read a lot period but most of the literature happens to be fantasy books.  Bought two this weekend even from the used bookstore downtown.  One from a favorite author I've read only a little by, Raymond E. Feist, and the other by George Lucas and Christ Claremont.  I mean a book written by the minds behind Star Wars and X-Men?  Umm. . . okay.  Absolutely.  Done and done even.

Well, I started escape reading in high school.  Really taking off after I took a copy of Robert Jordan's Eye of the World from the laundry room in the dorms of Northern Arizona University at the end of music camp.  (It was left there for over a week thank you!  How dare you and your assumptions.)  Before the books was a long career of RPGs that occupied my youth, that one starting with the Final Fantasy 3 (originally 6).  Needless to say my childhood and even my present. . . hood. . . is filled with goblin raids and all sorts of creatures.  Most likely where my own book idea had drew breath.  Lord knows how many pages I've consumed and how many hours have been found with a book in my hand.  Big escapist.

There was one thing that I found myself particularly jealous of.  I mean besides magic and adventures of course.  That was there is usually some physical problem.  Some bad guy.  If there was a goblin, most likely it was evil and you stabbed it with a sword.  There was a tangible enemy that was identifiable and in a lot of cases easy to pick out.  Cave troll.  Boom, eats babies, you and your three best friends, or not best friends, have to kill it.  Enemy horde?  The community has to band together and have to fight together to survive.  Granted I'm a rather big fan of indoor plumbing and running water, but having an enemy to fight would really help people find purpose in their life.

Yes I know, tons of hardships that are often left out.  Cold, blisters, finding yourself on a goblin cookfire,  no Del Taco, ending up a mere peasant with a piece of metal to defend yourself though you're arrow fodder. . .  But training maritally to protect yourself from an orc raid?  That's a purpose.  All in all I think I was mainly unsuccessful at getting my point across. . .

With that said I'll leave you with something shiny:

Where we last left our blog reader(s). . .

The last couple blogs dealt with goals and how one might define him or her self.  Well, today will be another one of those blogs.  Fears.

Fears, rational or not, play a part in who we are I feel.  They certainly affect what we do or don't do in our daily life.  Fear of drowning, fear of spiders, heights, bathing, large words, open spaces, tight spaces. . .  You name it there possibly could be a fear of it.  The Far Side comic even added a couple to the list: the fear that there is always a duck somewhere watching you, and the fear of being chased by timber wolves around the kitchen whist wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.  I personally feel those two are perfectly rational.  

I'll get down to the point.  Growing old.  Being alone.  Ending up a failure.  Those ideas strike me to the core and catch my breath in my chest.  Granted growing old can't be helped.  Not yet anyway.  But feeling those hours, minutes, seconds tick away never to be had again.  Its a lot of pressure to always be doing something productive.  Days are scheduled, slots of time allotted for activities.  I just feel I'm running out of time always.  Even if I don't have a particular task at hand, there's always Halloween coming, getting another year older, youth slipping away, losing child bearing years.  Metabolism slipping away.  

Being alone is a rough one too.  I have a theory of the One.  I have always felt that every person has that one person they go to, that one person that is their default, that one person they always want to get lunch with.  After the One the rest of the friends fall into place accordingly.  Regardless of how high I might be on people's list or how high on however many lists I often times feel that I'm not anybody's one.  That's hard.  Especially with the slight fear of commitment I have, to open myself up and make those efforts to be the One.  There's a lot of potential disappointment and hurt.  And failure.  Which I feel was pretty covered in the last one.  A close friend and I covered the topic of marriage and talked about just the nature of that type of relationship.  The best solution I felt is to abandon it altogether and to retire in a house of gays and live out the rest of your existence in the style of the Golden Girls.  Clearly the best option.  

I was surprised and plainly shocked to find my fear not listed in Wikipedia's list. Its very serious and not a laughing matter by any means.  Also I feel its perfectly rational.  The. Fear. Of. Raptors.  What?!  I saw the Jurassic Park movies!  They're fast, can open doors, work as a pack.  I don't see why more people aren't afraid of them frankly.  Yup, raptors.  Well, them and genital warts.

Umm. . . she fights ninja, how can you not love her?  Oh and Raven did another song I'd been listening to a lot.

Deeper than I wanted. . .

I apologize Right away about the morbid nature of this post.  I also don't mean to put out there any suicidal inclinations, promise.  I want to bring up my obsessive thoughts on legacy.  I don't know why it is so important to me.  Mayhaps its the possibility that I won't have children or maybe its just the American upbringing.  The thoughts of what I will leave behind or if my name will last are always pervading my conscience.  I don't ever want to be remembered as that barback at the gay bar nor would I want my funeral be occupied by family and a smattering of queers.  I don't want anyone throwing themselves from a building clutching my picture mind you, but I want some lasting impact.  I want the thoughts in my head to have some effect on the world I leave behind and hopefully even mentioned in a text book.  Now, if these are delusions of grandeur then so be it, let my life amount to the education of the future.  I find no qualm in that.

If the group mentality that surrounds me catches ahold of me and the "its supposed to be fun" lifestyle has it way I hope I still struggle.  I want to strive so that in the future there will be conferences of people enjoying my work, there will be gilded auctions of people fighting over garments I made and wearing them to lavish events, I want my plain name to stand out.  Is that desire lost on my generation?  This preoccupation of making something more than myself?  Its a desire.  Its a need.  So strong sometimes that the anxiety of it catches in my throat and stomach.

I really hope that its understood that wealth and maybe status accompanied with it aren't my goal.  I'm not dumb though, I wouldn't argue wealth nor luxuries that come with it, but that isn't my focus.  I just want to be more.  I want to leave more.  I want my philosophies and ideas, my passions and talents to be remembered and last.  To be my children I guess.  My legacy.

Try finding someone to share that with. . .

My New Year's reso. . . my Mid-Year's resolutions are:

So I'm coming to a point in my life (which milestone I've come across don't ask, I'm not sure) that I've made up my mind on some things.  Granted times like these are usually accompanied by some good earth sign, e.g.: New Year's - Capricorn, Back to school - Virgo, or even spring cleaning-Taurus.  Well, it's not one of those times.  Obviously.  These decisions and timing have just come about thru mental cleaning and cobweb clearing.  Maybe a little emotional care-taking as well.  I've decided they need to be done and with my putting them out in the universe will raise the chance of them coming to pass as well and making more of an effort to not look like a lazy bum.  I'm also trying to make the list some what specific to help complete them.  So here they are, my Mid-Year-ish Resolutions:

No resolution list is complete without the obligatory: Get in shape.  I intend on FINISHING and COMPLETING P90x before Halloween.  After starting it several times and never finishing it I want to bolden my efforts are work that out.  As others of my ilk there is that amaranthine desire to have a six-pack, washboard stomach.  This will certainly be the first step in that quest.  Along those lines I will have to agree to only eat Taco Bell like once or twice a week. . . no promises on that one though.  When P90x will be broken out tomorrow when I rearrange my room.

My next goal is to pursue a conversational ability in Chippewa (a.k.a. Ojibwa).  I have found myself often desiring some strong tie to my family.  Something somewhat unique to my family group, sans blood of course, that would help tie us together and give me some identity.  I see that as a language.  Of course no one to my knowledge can speak the tongue of our tribe except a cousin who has learned a few songs growing on the reservation.  I am not totally sure if this will help me find an anchor to an identity, but really what would it hurt.  Another language known.  I'm hoping a my love for linguists will urge me on where not have someone to practice with will hinder.  After all I'm going to start frequenting Target more just to talk with the Japanese cashier.

The next is about that book I mentioned a couple blogs ago.  I want to get more serious about it.  The development, the planning, all of it I want to really start digging into the work.  With that said, I specifically want to have three chapters done by December.  I feel that goal is obtainable.  Three chapters.  Of course, they won't be in their final form nor perfect but I want them done on paper. . . well monitor. Maybe y'all will get a preview if you're lucky and give me diet Cokes and friendship Rockstars, we'll see.

This goal is the most serious I think.  By this time next year I want my degree to be posted and full on my way to teaching full time.  Big boy job and everything.  This step I feel is the most essential to me getting my life together and moving forward.  I don't really have any more to say about this one but the gravity of it period.

On an up side I want my center splits.  Just for funsies.

With that said my diet starts tomorrow as well as my new goal oriented life.  These are all more short term goals and resolutions.  I mean, my life goal of being a back up dancer to Kylie Minogue didn't make the list, but its certainly there.  Stop in and keep me accountable.

I feel this is appropriate material:

If I thought she read books, I wouldn't judge her by her cover.

I have been listening a lot to Nicki Minaj lately.  I feel like I should ashamed of that statement alone, but I'm not.  Not at all actually.  Her songs are stock full of really witty limericks and word play that I really appreciate.  Granted there are times when phrases like "sprinkle holy water on the vampire [ire ire]" happen but. . . but nothing I love that part.  It just makes me feel uncomfortable when she brings up punting cunts and things. . .   Ehhh. . .   Regardless, I feel like a dungeon dragon rurr rurr.  Keep up the good work and I'll keep listening.  Don't you judge me reader(s)!  About the pink wig. . .

So I find myself from time to time riding public transportation.  Now, I've ridden public transportation in some of the largest cities of the word: Tokyo, London, San Francisco and even Los Angeles.  Its not quite the same.  At one point I found myself on a bus with nine to eleven individuals whom might be referred to as African Americans.  Sounds like the start of a bad porno to me.  Well, unless you're into that sort of thing.  Its fine, I won't judge I had a phase.  Anyway, back to topic.  Now, I don't myself above anyone who would need to use public transportation by any means, in fact its one of my biggest opportunities to people watch, a favorite hobby of mine.  It is times like that though I find myself in thought.  Dangerous habit I know.  This is where that path leads:

Sometime in my life, I plan of achieving a few great works.  A book series I mentioned, also a symphony and mayhaps more.  I want the works to be able to reach as many people as possible.  Along those lines, I need to know these people as well.  People who don't like the same music.  People who don't read the same books.  People who don't enjoy the same cocktails.  People who don't care to go to Taco Bell three times a week. . . shut up. Should I be that crazy person who just starts up conversations with people who don't really want to talk to you?  Should I be that uncle?  You know the one.  Would they even hear my symphony?  Beyond it being played in the background of a jewelry commercial.  Would they read my book (series)?  Would it matter?  Or should I simply get to know different people for the sake of learning that perspective.  I can go on further with this thought pattern but I fear I wouldn't make my case any clearer.  Yup that's what goes on in my head whilst on the bus.  shrugs  Maybe I should go listen to Les Mis or something. . . 

Sorry for that extended break.  Maybe I'll even be back today.  If you're lucky!

For those of you who don't know who Nicki Minaj is this will give you a good idea: