I apologize Right away about the morbid nature of this post. I also don't mean to put out there any suicidal inclinations, promise. I want to bring up my obsessive thoughts on legacy. I don't know why it is so important to me. Mayhaps its the possibility that I won't have children or maybe its just the American upbringing. The thoughts of what I will leave behind or if my name will last are always pervading my conscience. I don't ever want to be remembered as that barback at the gay bar nor would I want my funeral be occupied by family and a smattering of queers. I don't want anyone throwing themselves from a building clutching my picture mind you, but I want some lasting impact. I want the thoughts in my head to have some effect on the world I leave behind and hopefully even mentioned in a text book. Now, if these are delusions of grandeur then so be it, let my life amount to the education of the future. I find no qualm in that.
If the group mentality that surrounds me catches ahold of me and the "its supposed to be fun" lifestyle has it way I hope I still struggle. I want to strive so that in the future there will be conferences of people enjoying my work, there will be gilded auctions of people fighting over garments I made and wearing them to lavish events, I want my plain name to stand out. Is that desire lost on my generation? This preoccupation of making something more than myself? Its a desire. Its a need. So strong sometimes that the anxiety of it catches in my throat and stomach.
I really hope that its understood that wealth and maybe status accompanied with it aren't my goal. I'm not dumb though, I wouldn't argue wealth nor luxuries that come with it, but that isn't my focus. I just want to be more. I want to leave more. I want my philosophies and ideas, my passions and talents to be remembered and last. To be my children I guess. My legacy.
Try finding someone to share that with. . .
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