Sorry 'bout it. This is going to be one of those complainey posts. . . First of all I this doesn't apply to the reader(s) who read this. Frankly, it will most likely fall on deaf ears. . . well, eyes to those in my life I would really like to know my feelings on this subject. So on deaf eyes I make my argument, my stand, my complainings. With no more preamble: my feelings.
More often then not I feel a friend of convenience. Again this doesn't apply to who mostly likely read this. I care a lot about the people in my life. I go out of my way to make sure that they are taken care of and have special events happen in their lives. So, its a big deal to make and I put a lot of effort into relationships that I care about.
This brings to my initial point. I feel often I'm merely a friend of convenience. I'm the person handy to have around. I'm the person that seems to be on the "oh yeah, invite him!" list. I'm the "I've had a bad day and don't want to talk to the people I usually do and he's probably still awake" friend. I'm the when no one else is around I'm guaranteed to till be available and willing to talk friend. Oh, we need a fourth. The here's going on in my life that I need to vent but have no idea on what's going on in yours friend. Just convenient. Just here when you need me.
Sans my inner circle, it really disappoints me that this is how I feel about people I've seriously invested in and care/have cared about. People I thought I was generally special too. I guess I'm just tired of being the passive, supportive, always there for you with no reciprocation friend. I put in the work and make the connections and when you need me I'm there for you and make you feel special, welcome, loved and then when you don't need me I don't hear from here from you. Happens in lots of facets of my life. "We don't need you right now so we'll just put you over here. . . oh man, things went to the shitter I really need your help." Lots. Of. Facets.
Maybe I should stop being there for people. Hah, I say that but it'd never work. I'm pretty much a sucker. Granted I wear a "carefully manufactured persona" and I keep my feelings, hurt or otherwise, put away and I doubt I'd really tell someone to their face that this is how I feel they're doing to me, its certainly fun to imagine. I actually had a text message about this very thing to one of these people. Sadly, he's rather blonde and had no idea I was talking about him-to him. He happened to agree with me the whole time. About how much we dislike these people. He's been one of them to me for years. If only he'd realize. You know what though? Next time he's tired of his other friends, needs to complain, is hurt by someone, everyone else in his life forgets some important date; I'll be there for him. Like usual. Like always before. And I'll have the same feeling.
ugh. I've read three books this week. Again these frustrations don't apply to the reader(s) who reads this. Neiman Marcus gay. The Armenian. The Hero (that story may or may not be shared).
Enjoy this video that makes me happy every time:
My smile
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